Old time Parody

[Tarpin]

OK, so I wrote this a looooong time ago on DAB, when "Parodys" were all the rage on the laughing board. They were written in a sort of script diologue form were usually random, rarely made sense, and were often hilarious. The concept for this Parody was inspired by SLAGAR Productions. A website that was washed off the web a few years ago. It was amazingly witty and had quality content that will be missed. As a nod, I used a few of the jokes and puns from the SLAGAR Productions show: Darkforest Talk. A talk radio show hosted by the dead SLAGAR. I only ever wrote the first chaper, maybe some day I will write more

[Tarpin]

1:38 AM, bedroom, somewhere in the US, Earth

Cell phone: Ring Ring

*Censored*: Mmmmmhmph. *Rolls over.*

Cell phone: Ring Ring

*Censored*: Wha’ ?

Cell phone: Ring Ring

*Censored*: *grabs cell phone* Hello?

Unknown: Hey, sorry about the time, but I need your help.

*Censored*: … Who is this?

Unknown: Martin.

*Censored*: Martin who?

Martin: Um… the warrior?

*Censored*: …

Martin the Warrior: Yeah, a little weird, but this is an emergency.

*Censored*: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Martin the Warrior: Hello…?

*Censored*: Wha’,huh?

Martin the Warrior: The Abbey is in trouble!

*Censored*: Great. What else is new? Why don’t you just inspire some mouse to become some great warrior and subtly mettle with the events of the dimension so that the good guys win?

Martin the Warrior: Unfortunately, at this point in time, the abbey is inhabited completely by females…

*Censored*: …What?

Martin the Warrior: Yeah, that’s why we need you.

*Censored*: But…*Yawn*… you’ve used girl warriors in the past.

Martin the Warrior: Yeah, but…. That was in extreme cases!

*Censored*: …This isn’t extreme?

Martine the Warrior: Ye- look! That was different! This is a very peculiar case! Just…. Go to sleep!

*Censored*: OK… *Yawn*

Cell phone: Click

*Censored*: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ





1:01 PM, Interdimensional Portal Building, Conspiracy HQ, Darkforest

*Censored*: *Opens eyes* … Whaaaa!

Starbuck: Whoh! Careful there! Y’ almost fell off the blinkin’ table, wot? Haha.

*Censored*: Where am I?! What is this place?!

Starbuck: Those are two very complicated questions… Well, the questions aren’t complicated, but the answers are, I suppose. Anyway, YOU are still in your room. This “place” is the Interdimensional Portal Building at Conspiracy HQ in Darkforest. You see, We couldn’t really bring YOU here, because we can’t actually transport matter interdimensionaly without disrupting the time/space continuum and causing an intergalactic disturbance that could rupture the fabric of time and dimensions and we can’t have that, now can we? So the “body” you are currently using is a physical projection of your real body, from the Projection Building that allows you to interact physically in this dimension. You’re really body will be fine where it is, and because the time ratio of this dimension to yours is 1 hour every 2.549832 seconds, you will (providing you get five more hours of sleep) have 7059.2886119556111932080231168171 hours to take a tour of Darkforest, or what ever they brought you here for… *Gasps for air.* Whew… That’s the basics.

*Censored*: *A bit dazed by the flood of information.* …Oh.

Starbuck: Oh… and here are some different clothes… *Hands *Censored* a pair of blue jeans and a “I’ve been to Redwall hoodie and T shirt.* I’ll just nip over into the next room an’ let you change out of your PJs, wot? Haha! *exits*

*Censored*: *still a bit dazed by the flood of information, changes clothes.* Um… Now what?

Starbuck from behind the door: Now we just wait. Martin said he was coming to pick you up. Odd. Usually the transport vans pick up extra-dimensional visitors. Was Martin a special friend of yours?

*Censored*: Uh… sort of.

Starbuck from behind the door: Well, that makes sense, then.

*Censored*: You can come back in, you know.

Starbuck: Oh. *Enters* Well, Martin is in the elevator now. So it shouldn’t be long.

Martin: *Enters* Hey, Starbuck! *Turns to *Censored*.* You ready to go?

*Censored*: *Stares at Martin* …

Martin: … What?

*Censored*: Nothing, I just didn’t expect Martin the Warrior to wear American Eagle polo shirts…

Martin: Oh… Well, Rose got it for my birthday and insisted I wear it to work… Anyway, we’d better get going. We’re running behind schedule as it is.

*Censored*: Right. But you’ve got a lot of explaining to do.

Martin: *Exits* See ya tomorrow, Starbuck.

Starbuck: Tootles, ole, thing!

*Censored*: *Exits*




1:09 PM, Interdimentional Portal Building Parking lot, Conspiracy HQ, Darkforest

Martin: Er… let me clear some of this stuff out of the way. *Proceeds to clear a pile of debris from the passenger seat of a VW Beetle car.*

*Censored*: Soooo, you drive a Bug?

Martin: Oh no! I just have to drive Rose’s car while my bike is in the shop.

*Censored*: You drive a motorcycle?

Martin: …No. A bicycle.

*Censored*: Oh.

Martin: There. Get in. It’s not far to the other building. *Enters the drivers side.*

*Censored*: *Gets in the Passenger seat.* OK. Now can you explain why I’m here?

Martin: *Starts the car and pulls out.* Yeah, but first, if anyone asks, you’re name is Tim and I’m showing you around town, got it?

Tim: OK. why the alias?

Martin: This is a priority A Top secret mission.

Tim: Which is why we’re driving in broad daylight and everyone can see us?

Martin: We thought it would be best if the mission was “Hidden in plain view.” Nobody except the people involved know what we’re doing.

Tim: Just what ARE we doing?

Martin: I’m getting to it, I’m getting to it. First things first. You are in Darkforest. More specifically, you are in the Conspiracy HQ compound. Our job is to keep tabs on what’s going on in Mossflower.

Tim: So… you all die and then start messing with the events of the living? That’s kind of morbid. Can’t you just… let go?

Martin: Well not the way things go around Mossflower. With Warlords and all… You know how it is. And anyway, not everyone works at Conspiracy. Most people get jobs doing civilian things. Slagar has his own talk show… Cluny is the CEO of Walmart… Oh! And Abbot Mortimer and Vitch have their own clothing line.

Tim: Really?

Martin: Yeah. Abbotcrombi and vitch.

Tim: …

Martin: Yeah, stupid spin off, but they’re doing pretty well.

Tim: So what’s Gonff doing?

Martin: Well… We haven’t talked in a while… He’s serving time for petty theft.

Tim: I’m sorry to hear that.

Martin: Yeah. We don’t talk about it much. Anyway, back to the mission.

Tim: Yes. What’s going on down there that calls for interdimensional aid?

Martin: Well, things have been pretty weird the past decade. The Abbey has come under the rule of Abbess Silverleaf. She then banned all males from the Abbey, because it IS an Abbey, after all. And now the remnant of the Redwallers live in Mossflower, while the Abbey is inhabited by solitary women in black. Now, we’re working on getting the abbey back, but a giant horde of vermin are marching on the abbey. This complicates things. We don’t have the resources to take back the abbey and then turn around and defend it from an army of hostiles!

Tim: So that’s why you need me?

Martin: No. There’s something more important. The tapestry.

Tim: The tapestry?

Martin: Yes. The tapestry is the machine we use to communicate and see what’s going on in the dimension. We were fine with leaving it in the abbey when Silverleaf took over, She’ll leave it alone, but now with a horde of vermin moving in…

Tim: You could loose control.

Martin: Exactly. As long as it’s intact, we’re OK, but who knows what the vermin might do to it! It could be total black out and Mossflower could fall! *dramatic pause* We need you to get it out of there before the horde arrives. The abbey’s defeat is inevitable as long as Abbess Silverleaf and her nuns are in control.

Tim:… Wow. So does anything else have interdimensional significance?

Martin: Well, the badger lord’s chamber in Salamandastron is a computer room that is networked with Conspiracy HQ. Badger Lords are the only people down there who know about us.

Tim: Wow. What about your sword?

Martin: Which one? The real one or the fake one?

Tim: There’s a fake one?

Martin: I only found out recently, too. After we had both died, Boar admitted that he had never actually fixed my sword.

Tim: What?!

Martin: Yeah. He said the old one was so jacked up, he just started over and made a copy. He melted the real one down and made a couple forks.

Tim:…

Martin: Anyway, you and your team will be inserted into the dimension at any point you choose. It’ll be up to you to figure out how you’re going to get at the tapestry.

Tim: Me and my team?

Martin: You didn’t think we were going to sent you in alone, did you?



SIMPLY OUT OF RESPECT FOR A TIME HONORED TRADITION, I AM TYPING IN ALL CAPS AND ASKING RANDOM QUESTIONS THAT WILL PROBABLY NEVER BE ANSWERED! WILL TIM BE SUCCESSFULL ON HIS MISSION? WILL THE REDWALLERS BE ABLE TO TAKE BACK THE PLACE THEY LOVE? WILL MARTIN GET HIS BICYCLE FIXED? FIND OUT SOME DAY WHEN I WRITE THE REST!

[Gregory]

I wanna shirt from Abbotcrombie and Vitch now. Lol.